she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
did i just pee glitter
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
