Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
