I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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