why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
