I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
