toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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