i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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