Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Randomize
