I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
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