My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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