I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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