I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
