If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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