all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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