My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
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