She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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