The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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