this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
