i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
