dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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