the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
