If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
