party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize
