I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Randomize
