I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
