if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
