update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
