If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
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