Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
