last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
