I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
birth control should be required to get into college
I just found puke in my bra..
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
