i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
