I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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