I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
