It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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