I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
