This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
