that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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