I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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