every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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