I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
