no one should ever give us hovercrafts
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
