the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
