I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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