We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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