I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Randomize
