i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
