Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
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