She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
