suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
