I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
