i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
