I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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