o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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