hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
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