I can tuck mytits in my pants
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
