you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
